Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her Fuck Her


Just let me forget about her, please. I don't want to love her. I don't want to think about her. I don't want to hurt over her anymore. Fuck.


she doesn't even care when i cry.

why am i hanging on? i don't know..........









when a heart breaks it doesn't breakeven.

Easter

I went to a party the other night..Well, it wasn't really like I planned out going to it. It was more like me and Sara were already going to be at Joey's and they were going to be celebrating Jayke's birthday. It was pretty funny - Joey is so fuckin' funny when he's drunk. I smoked. -shrug- Kill me. It's Spring Break, I can't do nothing. I'm gunna let loose and have fun.

Danny texted me saying she made a mistake? Wtf? Really..No. She fucked me over to go back and fuck around with Heather so she can go and be with Heather. She doesn't like the way I am anyhow so I don't know why the Hell she's trying to get back on my dick. Oh well. She should have fucking made sure her mind was made up BEFORE she started talking to me.

Kristina..Well, we had a long talk - for a little over an hour or something like that. I don't understand her..still. She only talks to me when I flip the fuck out and say that I'm done with the games. And she agrees with me that she does that, too. It's sad. I don't know why I'm putting myself through it, quite honestly. She makes all these promises while we're on the phone that she's going to talk to me more and that she wants to but she just doesn't pay attention to her phone and blahblahblah. Well, if she really wanted to talk to me that badly - she would make it a habit to check her phone. It's bullshit. We had a really deep moment the other night when I wrote the previous blog about her after the really bitchy one. She was asking me to marry her, she would write it down on a paper and hold it up and I would answer in the chat. Y'know..I really felt like we were getting the old us back. And then all of a sudden she starts bawling and it's right back to the 'I love you...but I love Mike. I don't know what to do. Trust me give me time blahblahh.' and then she feels sick and gets off and it's right back to pretty much not talking. I fucking hate it. Fucking random moments of this deep amazing love and then I'm shit to her again. I've been trying. She ignores all the sweet shit I say all the time. But if I bitch her the fuck out all of a sudden she can talk to me. I don't know what to do. If my mom gets us back on the 20th, i probably won't fucking bring her here. Because if this is the way things are going to be, I'm not really down with it. At all. i'm not going to be ignored and shit and then all of a sudden when I'm home you remember that I exist just because we can see each other. Fuck that. Don't you fucking think about me Kristina? Don't you want to talk to me? Don't you want to send me a little sweet messages? Don't you want to call me just to hear my voice for a few minutes? Your fucking actions say that you don't. You hang up on me when I call, you never answer my texts.... We're going nowhere.

I'm probably going to be moving in with Sara if my mom doesn't get us back - only for a few months. I already do chores and shit there..it won't be a big deal. I love Sara. :] She my homieee. lol. It'll be fine living with her, I think. We don't really fight hardly at all. We have nothing to fight about. -shrug- So yeah.

It's funny..these paragraphs. None of them are long except for the one about Kristina..She really doesn't see how much she means to me. she always seems to be the biggest thing on my mind despite whatever else is going on. It sucks. I cry every day about her... 3/31/09 Forever? Yeah....right..

TurnAround

So, this day was pretty shitty, right? I was flipping the fuck out, but...she made up for it. And I believe what she says. I just hope I don't get my hopes up for nothing because I want this, and I want it to be perfect this time - the way it was meant to be from the beginning. We're both getting older, getting wiser, working through issues that held us back before. I'm not the same person I was..She's not the same person she was. We've both changed, but I really feel that we belong together. I've never been able to forget about my babygirl. It was always just the distance, and my letting someone else who was closer get in the way even though she was so much better for me. I won't let that happen again. She means far too much to me, and I see that now - even other people see it. When I talk about it her...they tell they can just tell she means a lot to me. I love talking with her, even tonight..when we were sort of fighting on the phone, I couldn't even stay mad..I just wanted to make up and get it over with. I just want to be happy with her finally. I want what I always wanted with her. What we had in the beginning. I hope everything works out for once, we both deserve it - deserve this. Each other. She's the most beautiful girl, I could never deny that to anyone. I may have talked shit when I was upset, but who doesn't? How I truly feel for her..Well, I could never really explain it fully. It's too much to fathom. I care for her deeply. I want to learn again what it feels like to kiss her, hold her, fall asleep with and wake up to her again. I don't want to turn my back to her when we're falling asleep. I want to be the one right up behind her, curling my arm around her waist and kissing the back of her neck through that gorgeous head of silken hair. Whispering goodnight..I'll see you in the morning though it's painful to sleep, not wanting to miss a moment. She deserves it...she always has - and I still cry, thinking back on how much I hurt her. How good she treated me - a goodness I took for granted. I want her to see the new me, the changed me, the wiser me that couldn't possibly ever hurt her like that again. I'm not emotionally detached anymore..I'll cry of happiness when she arrives, and damn near break down when she has to leave. I'll make her time with me worth it...because I'm honestly in love with her. I want my babygirl back - I want her sweet words, her attention, I want her to need me all the time, want me all the time. And I want to give the very same thing back. No more one sided. No more broken hearts...only healing, only pureness of love, caring, compassion, loyalty..I can't beginning to explain how sorry I am for the past - but it can't be changed. A chance for the future, though, can make up for it all. As badly as I treated her in my rough times..No one could ever love her like I do - no one could cry over her as much as I do - no one wants her as much I do. And I'll be waiting. As much as I say I want to give up, I'll be waiting. We can do this. I know we can..and she knows we can. She wants this so badly - I can hear it in her voice..and I hope she can let go of the then..and trust in me again. I don't want her to be scared of me..All I want to do is love her. And we can do this. I'm ready..and deep down inside she is, too.


I love you, Kristina Megan Placco.

Called To You So Clearly, But You Don't Want To Hear Me..

Today kinda sucked I suppose.It started out alright - today is my early day to get out of school so that was good. But then I get some bullshit text from Danny saying that she's not attracted to me, and that giving up Heather was a mistake? And a text from Heather saying that after she left my house last night, she went to hers and the two of them were flirting and hugging and her feelings came back? But she doesn't want that to effect our friendship? Really bitch? Mm, that's funny. I don't really care all that much, it's just the fact of the matter. Fuck it. Yknow? She can have the bitch.

I'm really starting to see that most of all my friends are pieces of shit - it doesn't really matter much though, once I get out of high school, I doubt I'll keep in contact with much of anyone save for a select few. I don't know, I'm trying to have a more positive outlook on life - I don't want to let little shit bring me down, so I let it out on here.

Kristina. What the fuck is up with her. Seriously, I mean. I love the girl. I really do love her, and I want to be with her. But the bitch NEVER. FUCKING. TALKS. TO. ME. I text her three or four fucking times and get an answer to none of them. Then I call her figuring her lazy ass can't put the effort to send a fucking text message, but then she hangs up on me and texts me back THEN to tell me she can't talk. -.-; Fucking seriously? fucking. seriously. She pisses me the fuck off. So much for fucking telling her my mom might be getting us back on the 20th, huh? Cause y'know, that would mean she could come and stay with me again. But no, she's too busy doing fucking NOTHING to text back the girl she's supposedly "loves" and "wants to marry". Uhm..yeahbullshit. I'm obviously of no importance to her if she can't even fucking text me. She really makes me feel worthless. Every fucking time I go to my counselor, I talk about her. Today I was talking about how much I want to see her, and that I hope my mom gets us back so that she can come and stay with me so that we can get back to being the way we used to be. I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way. And she's pushing me to let her the fuck go. Seriously, it's only a matter of time before I really do not give a fuck anymore. She's being a fucking bitch, hardcore. Yeah, she "talks and thinks about me all the time". Pshh, yeah fucking right. Then why the fuck doesn't she EVER talk to me? Hm? Riddle me that, motherfucker. She really gets me fucking heated. I told her I was giving up, asked her if she had anything to say to me before I didn't respond to her anymore - y'know what I got back? NOTHING. Mm, yeah. She really loves me, doesn't she? I'm really fucking feeling it. Never felt so much love in my life. Fuck it, she can stay with her fucked up boyfriend. The one she isn't comfortable with, the one that makes her feel like shit, the one she always fights with, the one that picks everything over her, the one that couldn't possibly love her like I do. She can't fucking see that I've changed. "One day it'll happen, when it's meant to." Well, bitch, if you're not going to give me a chance now because of the fucking past then guess what? There ain't gunna be a future. I'm so fucking tired of loving someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I'm done. I really want to be fucking done. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to let her back in. She can fucking talk to me when she wants to put forth some effort. She doesn't have a fucking job, she doesn't go to school - she isn't doing fucking shit that's important and yet she can't even talk to me throughout the day. Really? Good. Fuck you, too. Keep your ass in New York, I will get this love the fuck out of me. And if I can't get rid of it, I'll ignore it. I can't keep fucking doing this to myself. Can't say I didn't try.

Don't feel like typing anymore. Fuck the rest of my day.

I couldn't possibly say that today was a bad day. Pep Rally at school got me out of there at 1. I went home, chilled around and had the house to myself for awhile there. Ate and got picked up by Danny. Pretty much spent the whole day with her. Just got home a half an hour ago actually. We watched Leprechaun in the Hood....lmfao. That little fucker is annoying, speaking in rhythm and shit. Haha. But yeah, then we went to Taco Bell and got food, debated on whether this guy was a chick or a dude....He was wearing a name tag that said Brittany. xD So yeah that was confusing. It was a really good day actually. I had fun. We had cake and stuff since it's Danny birthday today. :P She'smadcute. Haha. And she's awesome to cuddle with. I met her mom and her aunt, they seem really nice - though she says she can't stand her aunt. -shrug- I like spending time with her.

Hmm, other shit..

Sam was talking about me to Heather - saying I'm mad into drugs and shit. What the fuck? Uhm, news flash, I'm not. I barelyyyyy even smoke anymore. I don't want to smoke anymore. And I've hardly done any drugs other than that. I was never addicted to anything except weed, and I fuckin' dropped that shit. I don't know, that shit just pissed me off. How the fuck would she even know, yknow? She hardly hangs out with me. That shit really ground my gears.

Buuuuuuuuuuut I'm not going to let myself get any more worked up than I already have. I'm really learning not to care so much what people think of me - I am who I am, there's really no changing it. I'm not going to push aside my own wants to keep someone else happy. It's not selfish - it's just the way life is. You are the only person you can really honestly 100% put your trust into. You know your deepest and darkest secrets - and if you choose to tell them, then you trust yourself that that is the right decision.

I've realized that I need to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. If I don't love myself, how can I love other people? If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of other people? I can't. Simple as that.

Today was a pretty good day I think... went to breakfast with Sara, school went pretty quickly - I sorta teared up a bit at the pep rally... I saw a lot of myself in that video, but it helped me I think, too. I have a feeling those words are going to stick with me. Had mentoring today - it's always alright there. I get so stressed out in that class sometimes..talking about how much you have to worry about when you live on your own..I gotta do it sometime though, right? Yeah.. it's just hard to take all of that in..I have time though.

Fought with Kristina... i really don't get her. She posts comments on my pictures saying I'm hers...I'm not..I want to be, but I'm not. She's with a guy she's not even happy with. I could destroy their relationship if I wanted to.. but I won't. I want her to leave on her own. Why is she even staying? Cause they've been through a lot together? She's been through a lot with Vanessa, too. I don't see them fucking. Just cause they waited so long to be with each other now she has to stay and fight for something..someone, when she's all the while telling me how much she loves me..wants to be with me..wants to marry me. What teh fuck is that? I want to get a girlfriend..I want to forget about her and this pain. But it won't happen. I could never forget about her. How good she treated me..I doubt I'll ever get that Kristina back. She hardly fucking talks to me. It frustrates the fuck out of me. Like stop fucking telling me you're going to talk to me all the time if you're not, yknow? Like at least don't give me hopes that you're just going to fucking crush. I think she gets some kind of sick pleasure out of it. I still think there is vengeance there because of our past. guess she can't see i've changed. guess i don't mean enough. She wants to keep bouncing on that dick. Heh, she can. What the fuck ever. He'll never compare to me in bed any fucking how so she can settle for less if she wants to. Why the fuck am I fighting it? Why do I insist on putting my heart out there for someone who doesn't give a fuck enough to just text me every day and ask how I am, how my day is going? NOt like she doesn't fucking sleep till 2 in the afternoon anyway. She's always busy so why the fuck am i pushing for her? Love makes you a psychotic shit I swear. Ehh fuck it.

Danny, she's very full of herself..I don't like it. I know she's talking to other girls. I guess she thinks I'm stupid or something? I don't know. I'm not really too worried about it. I've met her once, kissed her a few times.. there could be something there - I don't know. I'd have to get to know her more..find out what she's about. She might not like the person I am either - there's no way to really tell other than spending time with one another which we haven't been doing a lot of considering I'm busy with school, mentor and my friends that I already have. We'll see where it goes..

Sam..I don't even know. She's very confusing. She only thinks of me as a friend...but why do I feel like there's something more there when we cuddle and hold hands and shit? Why does she seem to like me? Am I crazy? Maybe.. Probably. Sam is the kind of person that..she'll like someone, and they start to like her back and then she's all "ohh no, no i don't like you.." I used to be that way. I don't know. That's just what I get from her. I mean, I've thought about getting with her, I wouldn't object to it, but we're going to have to stay friends. I don't want things to get weird, yknow..That shit always happens. Besides, I'm a very sensitive person..I can't just..get with someone. I want feelings to be behind it, I don't want to just do it for nothing. And besides, if I did that, I have a feeling it would mean more to me than her. And I don't want her going off and saying I was just someone to get with like she did with Heather. That wouldn't make me feel very good.. I don't know. I'm content being just friends with Sam. She's funny and can be sweet and she's a great cuddler..I love warming her. lmfao. Not to mention she's gorgeous..despite what anyone else says.

Family life is good..I'm not so stressed. I've gotten most of all my grades back up. I feel really good about myself most of the time. I feel more beautiful, more comfortable in my own skin..I don't want to hide myself away anymore. I want to be myself and that's exactly what I'm doing. I"m learning to let go - I'm starting to see the people that really care about me and the ones that I really need to get rid of...the ones that aren't part of the solution.

I'm getting a lot more clarity lately.. Feels good...I hope it keeps up.

Thinking

I'm laying in bed...I can't really help but wonder where my life is going. I've changed a lot..and very rapidly as well..I've stopped using drugs - I like being sober. I've focused in more on school - I don't want to fail..I don't want to be a failure. I've been paying attention more to myself than others - I can't love anyone if I can't love myself..I can't take care of anyone else if I can't take care of myself. Wonderwall..Dear God - those songs make me cry..And I'm not sure if they're happy or sad..my tears I mean. Kristina..What's up with her? She's too busy, far too busy. "Doesn't live by her phone." Jealousy..why does she get to be jealous? Why am I holding back for her? I'm stupid.. But I love her. Becca --- why do I talk to her? I can't hate anyone..but why? Mom -- I get my passiveness from her. She was always too passive. I have a slight headache. Two English papers. I'll probably have to rewrite one of them. :/ Gah, It comes so easily without the MLA format. My paper was on drugs..I shared a lot of myself - should I have done that? Should I have emailed it? Sighh..the work never ends. I'm still failing English and Math..I've been working so hard. Will I get those new clothes? This job..it's not permanent, just spring break. Will DYFS let me go to Florida in the summer with Sara? To the beach in August? Please yes.. Cassandra..Could I get her to take me to New York? I really want to see her..Kristina..I want to feel her lips again..I'm stupid..so stupid..but I can't deny it to myself. I'm going crazy.. Why do I let myself open up to her? causeyouloveher. Why does she feed in a little and then stop? Does she want to tear me apart? youtoreherapart. That's the past! I want to move on from the past..I just want to see her. I know everything will be okay if I see her..Will it? I'm crying..Goodnight.