Today was a pretty good day I think... went to breakfast with Sara, school went pretty quickly - I sorta teared up a bit at the pep rally... I saw a lot of myself in that video, but it helped me I think, too. I have a feeling those words are going to stick with me. Had mentoring today - it's always alright there. I get so stressed out in that class sometimes..talking about how much you have to worry about when you live on your own..I gotta do it sometime though, right? Yeah.. it's just hard to take all of that in..I have time though.
Fought with Kristina... i really don't get her. She posts comments on my pictures saying I'm hers...I'm not..I want to be, but I'm not. She's with a guy she's not even happy with. I could destroy their relationship if I wanted to.. but I won't. I want her to leave on her own. Why is she even staying? Cause they've been through a lot together? She's been through a lot with Vanessa, too. I don't see them fucking. Just cause they waited so long to be with each other now she has to stay and fight for something..someone, when she's all the while telling me how much she loves me..wants to be with me..wants to marry me. What teh fuck is that? I want to get a girlfriend..I want to forget about her and this pain. But it won't happen. I could never forget about her. How good she treated me..I doubt I'll ever get that Kristina back. She hardly fucking talks to me. It frustrates the fuck out of me. Like stop fucking telling me you're going to talk to me all the time if you're not, yknow? Like at least don't give me hopes that you're just going to fucking crush. I think she gets some kind of sick pleasure out of it. I still think there is vengeance there because of our past. guess she can't see i've changed. guess i don't mean enough. She wants to keep bouncing on that dick. Heh, she can. What the fuck ever. He'll never compare to me in bed any fucking how so she can settle for less if she wants to. Why the fuck am I fighting it? Why do I insist on putting my heart out there for someone who doesn't give a fuck enough to just text me every day and ask how I am, how my day is going? NOt like she doesn't fucking sleep till 2 in the afternoon anyway. She's always busy so why the fuck am i pushing for her? Love makes you a psychotic shit I swear. Ehh fuck it.
Danny, she's very full of herself..I don't like it. I know she's talking to other girls. I guess she thinks I'm stupid or something? I don't know. I'm not really too worried about it. I've met her once, kissed her a few times.. there could be something there - I don't know. I'd have to get to know her more..find out what she's about. She might not like the person I am either - there's no way to really tell other than spending time with one another which we haven't been doing a lot of considering I'm busy with school, mentor and my friends that I already have. We'll see where it goes..
Sam..I don't even know. She's very confusing. She only thinks of me as a friend...but why do I feel like there's something more there when we cuddle and hold hands and shit? Why does she seem to like me? Am I crazy? Maybe.. Probably. Sam is the kind of person that..she'll like someone, and they start to like her back and then she's all "ohh no, no i don't like you.." I used to be that way. I don't know. That's just what I get from her. I mean, I've thought about getting with her, I wouldn't object to it, but we're going to have to stay friends. I don't want things to get weird, yknow..That shit always happens. Besides, I'm a very sensitive person..I can't just..get with someone. I want feelings to be behind it, I don't want to just do it for nothing. And besides, if I did that, I have a feeling it would mean more to me than her. And I don't want her going off and saying I was just someone to get with like she did with Heather. That wouldn't make me feel very good.. I don't know. I'm content being just friends with Sam. She's funny and can be sweet and she's a great cuddler..I love warming her. lmfao. Not to mention she's gorgeous..despite what anyone else says.
Family life is good..I'm not so stressed. I've gotten most of all my grades back up. I feel really good about myself most of the time. I feel more beautiful, more comfortable in my own skin..I don't want to hide myself away anymore. I want to be myself and that's exactly what I'm doing. I"m learning to let go - I'm starting to see the people that really care about me and the ones that I really need to get rid of...the ones that aren't part of the solution.
I'm getting a lot more clarity lately.. Feels good...I hope it keeps up.
